Random Spew

Waffle Irons to Host '96 Ceremonies

Unplugging the Lite-Brite from its position of power, Vl'hurg was despondant. Never before had such sorrow befell the land since the days of the Mycenae. Trailing across the countryside like a band of errant pavement, the Sudafed fairy appeared without warning. "Throw out your corn nuts and socks!" she shouted triumphantly, startling a passing yak. "The Northwest Ordinance has been signed into law!" Upon hearing this, the fishmonger flew into a frenzy and immediately set out place settings for seven. Major destruction and general confusion followed, with Colonel Sanders bringing up the rear. When they arrived at the site of the miracle, they were received by a shortwave radio in Cuba. "The left control key is broken!" cried the colonel, to which the Cubans replied "la puerta no es auga." Como esta instead, a missing appendage discovered itself behind a nearby bush. This brought down the fury of the marmots and invoked the wrath of Kahn. Hot dogs rained from the sky. Once they cooled, the dogs began making ominous faces and decorative weavings, which sold well in Wellington and Murmansk. With one final blow of the hammer, the last spike was driven and the trans-continental railroad was complete. To this day, the origins of the carmel corn and the floating head of Emmanuel Lewis remain a complete mystery.

Badmitton Courts Blowtorched

WASHBOARD MANIA '92!!! You will encounter the ghost of Fran Tarkenton juggling ostritch heads in your local restroom. Without the aid of the triumverate, we would have no corn nuts and socks. Wiggle that pickle with a drafting table, then serve liposuction as a hors d'oeuvre. Wohojowitz! Take that left-handed smokeshifter back to its point of origin immediately. Was that the cat? Good God, it's worse. It is a little-known fact that certain zucchini strains elevate estrogen levels in laboratory rats and Paulo J.F. Correia. Avoid riding in three-wheeled vehicles across blowtorched badmitton courts during Passover, unless equipped with hip new Pepsi cans. Maintain a proper kitchen appliance/carbonated beverage ratio at all times, or be prepared for unwanted re-runs of "The Incredible Hulk." Valiant efforts to generate energy using a trampoline, garden trowel, and 177 cubic yards of cream of WHEEEEEEEAT will be for naught. Don't touch that dial!

At any time during this message, feel free to remove an ear and fill the resulting orifice with a cat. Your first exam of this coming semester will be printed on the back of an argonaut and will contain the words "sizable legume extracts" in at least 11 different places. So is Ed Meese named after a whole bunch of mooses, or am I just really confused? Accept no phone calls from ambidextrous deodorant salesman wearing nasal suspenders. Let's raise a hullabaloo over the Oregon trail. There's always room for tubas! During those awkard quiet moments that occur during conversations, pass out fresh fruit and yachting equipment to liven things up. This evening you will encounter an unemployed zamboni operator with an uncanny chammelon-like ability to blend with his environment while singing the "Dukes of Hazard" theme song at top volume. Multiplying a number by 37 results in a number which is 37 times larger (at STP, the racer's edge). Play hockey in a bowling alley while simultaneously eating Q-tips and painting impressioninst artwork on zucchinis. Woah, that lecture on atomic particles was really Bohring. You say Ottawa, I say Moldavia, let's call the whole thing off. Have your buttocks prominently displayed in a store-front window. Date the girl from Venus... for science. Disregard all statements regarding disregarding. An unexpected phone call from a deaf-mute lesbian albino Eskimo will be the harbinger of low Scrabble scores and increased amounts of ear zits. Impale a squirrel with a tent stake shaped like a urinal to relieve stress and embarrassing gas. Integral, radical, mu dee vee: slipstick, slide-rule, MIT! Good God, on a scale of 1 to scary beard guy, how nerdy is that song.

Emergency airlifts of Stove Top Stuffing and Aunt Jemima maple (flavored) syrup to Zurich and Racine will narrowly avert a worldwide Viewmaster Viewer shortage. Beat up your neighbor and force-feed him cantaloupe-flavored granola until he consents to carry moonbeams home in a jar, or would you rather be a mule. Pocket waterskiing is destined to proliferate and become all the rage among former Gilligan's Island actors. Give a gift to a friend wrapped in spray painted chainsaws. Malevolent magenta asthmatic oxen will collumate your urine and force you to listen to six straight days of uninterrupted polka music. Catapults named Bob will become a major issue in the next presidential election.


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